“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
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*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
🤣could you imagine
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
this post was so formative to me
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.