They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
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Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.