Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
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It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.