[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
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It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs