Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
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My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?