Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
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I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long