Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
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teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.