[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
You Might Also Like
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day