Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
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The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
Admin smashed it 😂
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”