When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
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your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
If looks could kill
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.