A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
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A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
I need better friends
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”