The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
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[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
I feel it
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.