Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
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Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together