my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
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Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things