are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
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Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.