Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
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Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things