Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
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If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.