Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
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Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
favorite tropes as memes
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.