Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
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My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.