If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
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[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet