[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
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I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol