“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
You Might Also Like
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
This is me
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho