Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
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Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.