Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
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Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
How dude HOW?!
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.