A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
You Might Also Like
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”