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I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
Growing out my freckles.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
did it work
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn