The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
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Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.