COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
You Might Also Like
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.