I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
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[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester