Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
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Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
back to work
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?