*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
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[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds