i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
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my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween