me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
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I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
Sunday
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”