“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
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Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”