When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
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As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
we’re gonna need another temp
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.