Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
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Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Godspeed, John Glenn
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.