GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
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2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.