I weigh at least 17 squirrels
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[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
The police never think its as funny as you do.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids