Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
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dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.