Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
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If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?