Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
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new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.