I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
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My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.