Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
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An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
me, after any kind of buffet.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time