That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
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Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory