Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
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#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Is this you?
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…