If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
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I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Wednesday
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
me doing my best
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.