#have a #great #PancakeDay
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When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.