My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
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I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
selena gomez
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles