Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
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I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
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[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11