Self-cleaning conscience
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[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards